EXTRA! MAJOR PROGRESS MADE IN DOMINGUEZ

By Michelin L. W. Y. in Los Angeles

After a day’s chaos in which the Dominguez Golf Driving Range was overrun by white bouncing rabbits, many witnesses saw major changes today as white golf balls flew straighter and farther, injecting new confidence into the shattered public trust.

Officials estimated the rate of errant hit golf balls were down at least 50%, a major improvement compare to just a day ago, where errant golf balls were estimated at about 89% of all golf balls hit. In one instance a golf ball was hit beyond the 170 yard line, breaking all previous records, while maintaining a straight course.

“I couldn’t believe my eye, as the ball traveled in such uncompromising fashion,” bellowed one witness, requesting anonymity. “It was a near-perfect swing, chasing away yesterday’s large number of rabbits.”

In an unofficial report leaked just hours ago, officials cited the average distance of well hit balls was around 120 yards to 160 yards. The report also gave few possible reasons for the sudden improvement, such as better concentration and relaxed handgrip.

“We don’t want to jump to conclusion at this early stage, but from what we saw the rear end is positioned at a right angle, whereby the force of the swing was able to be shifted smoothly from the right foot to the left,” said an official who is close to the workings of the report, on condition of anonymity, for fear of retribution for the leak. “It will be very interesting to see the development over the next few weeks. We expect further improvement as the swing is becoming more natural.”

The golfer known as Michelin, no relation to the author of this article, was unavailable for comment.